did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize