420 ftw
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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