remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
