i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize