Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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