I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
