Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
