sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're like the curious george of whores
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
