good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize