Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
