every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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