perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
