she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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