You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
