3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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