have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
