it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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