Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
