Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
