you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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