a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
