So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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