It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
