I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
