i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
