I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
