He uses pillows to masturbate.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
