i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
