i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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