Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize