I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
