I just pynch a tree in the face
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
