Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize