The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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