I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
