he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
3 2 1 whiskey
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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