Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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