the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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