Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
