I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
