so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
