Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
