I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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