I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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