she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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