1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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