Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
