Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
