i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
