I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
