Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
