Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so let's talk penis.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
