Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
