I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
