I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
