Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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