Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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