I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
