she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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