I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
