So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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