The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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