Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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