When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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