It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I smell like Dick and happiness
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
