I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
