apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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